Heelychat, the forum for heelys, the shoes with wheels - View topic - Slicer's Official Unofficial Guide to Heeling in Public

(Feel free to republish this guide anywhere with a link to the original on Heelychat.com.)

Rule 1: Everyone else is secretly Helen Keller.

Blind and deaf, folks, blind and deaf. They cannot see you coming. They cannot hear you coming. They will not avoid you. They will shove shopping carts in your way, let their dog leashes cross the entire path and trip you, not even slow down their cars for you on a crosswalk, not respond to "excuse me" or "coming through", and generally be unpredictable. They will do these things not out of malice (there are a lot of retards on various forums claiming they'll trip kids on Heelys, but that's just Internet bravado- I've never heard of this actually happening), but rather because they are blind and deaf.

It doesn't matter whether the person is an average Joe,

a professional athlete,

or even a UT2004 lord with a reaction time clocked at a tenth of a second,

everyone else is Helen Keller.

(Note: This is also a good rule of thumb for driving in North Dakota.)

This rule is designed to counter the occasional perception that "Well, they can see me, and I'm moving fast, so they'll get out of my way." No! That's exactly backwards. Would you expect Helen Keller to get out of your way? You have to get out of their way, not because they're bigger than you are or because they have the right of way or anything like that, but rather because they can not and will not react to you.

This is also a good rule when determine the fault of a collision. "Well, he cut me off with his shopping cart, and.." No no no. Of course it's your fault, because the shopping cart you ran into was being pushed by- you guessed it!- Helen Keller.

There are exceptions, of course- I've had people take embarrassingly wide steps away from me when I was obviously moving around them by feet- but don't be fooled. No matter if nine people stap aside when you roll past, you should still assume the tenth one is going to be Helen Keller.

Even if you see someone else on Heelys in front of you, assume he's Helen Keller, too.

Rule 2: Everyone else is an ADHD preschooler, easily distracted by shiny objects.

This applies mostly in stores. Someone walking on the right side of the aisle might decide he wants something over on the left, and quickly dart over there without regard to what might be coming up behind him. Prepare for this. Figure out what his new path is going to be, and get away from it.

"But this is on a tile floor, can't they hear me coming?"

Ah, but you forgot Rule 1. Would you expect Helen Keller to hear you coming?

"But how can they be distracted by shiny objects if they're blind and deaf?"

Don't ask me. Somehow, both are true and there is no paradox.

Rule 3: Blind corners are just that.

There was once a geometry expert named Euclid.

Euclid, among other things, determined that the shortest distance between two points is a straight line. Therefore, logically, distance around a corner can be made shorter by taking the shortest path around it.

Forget Euclid.

Most corners are completely opaque, meaning you cannot see around them and anything might be on the other side. Maybe there's some old ladies walking three abreast. Maybe there's a pothole. Maybe there's a kid on Heelys who hasn't read this guide, because it hasn't been published in Braille. You don't know until it happens.

When in a store, Heel in the middle of the aisle, not at the sides. Usually there are a lot of other aisles criss-crossing your path, and Helen Keller might, at any moment, pop out of one of them with a shopping cart or a cellphone.

On the other hand, in a place such as a straight supermarket aisle with no corners and no one coming, feel free to go as fast as you please. Just be sure you can slow down near the end of it- Helen Keller might be just around the corner...

Rule 4: Stores and malls with "No Heelys" policies don't want your money.

Don't give it to them.

If a security guard or store employee tells you you can't use them where you are, don't make a scene. Just leave. If you have a shopping cart, leave it where it is. And then.. don't come back. Ever. Find somewhere else to make purchases, especially expensive ones. If your parents want to take you shopping, find another store to go to. The place no longer exists for you.

Generally, people making purchases won't be touched. I Heel when buying things at the grocery store. They're not going to say anything to me, because I spend more than a hundred bucks a month there. In the linoleum-floored mall where I live, I purchased a $300 digital camera from Sears, and have seen plenty of other people on Heelys. Due to location, that mall's already having financial difficulties; they can't be stupid enough to lose any customers.

Their store, your money.

(Rule 4 addendum for mall and store owners: Ban Heelys only if you want to cripple your own business.)

Rule 5: Keep your eyes in front of you.

When driving a car, it's important to look around regularly. Someone might be coming from behind way too fast, the guy in the next lane might want to get into yours or you might want to get into his, or maybe some drunk confused red with green and is about to plow into your side at ninety miles an hour.

On Heelys, in a pedestrian area, you are likely to be one of the fastest things there, in an environment where the split second spent looking behind you leads to Helen Keller getting in your way. Act accordingly.

There are, of course, logical exceptions to this rule: possibly runners on pathways, maybe cars coming from behind you if you're on the street, skateboarders, rollerbladers, etc. Keep your ears open, but the risk of being run into by one of them is much less than the risk of someone popping out unexpectedly, or running into a large crack you didn't see, or something else interfering with your path.

Rule 6: When possible, avoid crowds.

This should be common sense. Exactly how are you going to get started if there's a huge crowd of people (all of who, remember, are secretly Helen Keller) between you and your destination? You can't take a wide berth, because there's no wide berth to take- you can't go fast because two people with strollers stopped to talk in the middle of the aisle- you can't avoid anything because you don't know what any of them are going to do. Forget it.

Rule 7: Enjoy!

Smile

(The author of this guide wears Heelys in public regularly and has never run into anyone.)

Joined: 28 Dec 2006 Posts: 532 Location: Philly, PA

haha slice you did it! you put alot of time into so people better use it! iknow i am! WTG slice!!!

Joined: 20 Feb 2007 Posts: 225

wow slice you actually made it...thats kinda funny

hehe helen Keller gotta love them.......so innocent..........

Team Heelys - Northeast Joined: 15 Dec 2006 Posts: 1803

Clap Clap Clap Clap

Whistle

Clap Clap Clap Clap

Joined: 10 Jul 2006 Posts: 533 Location: London, UK

WOW! that must have taken a long time, but it was definitely worth it.

Every time you mentioned Helen Keller I cracked up. Good job. Very Happy

Team Heelys - SoCal Joined: 26 Dec 2006 Posts: -123845

Bahahahahahahahahhahahaha. And how long did it take to make this?

A bit over two hours, including images. It was pure inspiration. This needs to be linked around a bit, particularly on forums where people don't like Heelers..

Joined: 05 Feb 2007 Posts: 21 Location: Florida

genius slicer. pure genius.

Joined: 13 Feb 2007 Posts: 221 Location: Austin, TX

that was funny.

Joined: 08 Mar 2007 Posts: 9 Location: ~~~~~~~~~~~~

oh DARN.... i must have borke a few of those rules. still no embarassing accidents though. haha

lol helen keller lol

Team Heelys - SoCal Joined: 26 Dec 2006 Posts: -123845

Joined: 10 Jul 2006 Posts: 533 Location: London, UK

haha slice struck again. =]